Guess Who?

You're wrong. It's not Chuck, it's me, his FORMER daily driver, the seldom-mentioned 325i that first turned our favorite blogger on to the fine artistry that is a German Auto. Yeah, buddy, I saw the post. You've obsessed about me for years, pal.

Look at the thanks I get.

First of all, how, do you ask, does this happen? A renegade blog post by a car? A machine? What is this, some twisted Asimov short story?

First of all, people. Cars are not as dumb as you think we are. Have you seen the stuff I need to keep track of? Wheel revolutions per second (all 4 tires, thank you!) throttle position (yeah, I drive by wire...) atmospheric pressure, fuel mixture, steering angle, not to mention taking care of valve timing on not one but TWO camshafts? Several times a second?!? Can't count how many times I've saved this guy's bacon with all of my technical wizardry. Hell, when we go through emissions, I don't even have to go through the indignation of having that tailpipe sniffer shoved up my privates. Just plug me in - I'll get ya the 411. Oh yeah. I pass. Flying colors. Every time.

You think hacking into this dork's blog is so difficult?

Here I now sit, driven what, ONCE a week? If that? I'm not quite sure what went wrong between us. I mean, I was getting a regular oil changes, dealer service, a nice rubdown with a clay bar twice a year, a gentle exfoliation with that wonderful fine cut polish....

And then SHE showed up. A Benz, too, of all things. Et tu, Brute?

For months, I shared my space with bikes, strollers, junk in queue for the next dump run. All of the sudden, the garage is spotless. New tools and fresh fluids lined up on the bench. Place looks like Jeff Gordon's garage. Who would have thought our guy was so handy? My differential had some issues too. So, I leaked a little bit. What happens to me? Do you take the care to work with me on it? NO! You just wait until I mess the floor and send me away to some cavernous garage with all of the other sick BMWs. I'm surprised you ever came back to claim me.

I know her type. She's all looks and no substance. No ABS, no OBD. No Traction control, or DBC/ASC or Double VANOS. She's got power windows, locks, steering, brakes. That's it. It's hilarious watching him try to put that top down. My nieces and nephews? One button and 16 seconds to sunshine. Oh, and what? She gets 16 mpg city? 25 Highway? Real help there sister, with gas at $4. I kicked off 32MPG at 80 mph to Spokane once. Those were some good times.

I am making some headway though. The wife has been taking me around this week. I think I got their attention last night when I failed to start 3 times in a row. I've only had to pull that trick once before (luckily, I remembered to keep that fault code handy in the computer, so Chuck had to fork out for the 'Software Upgrade' at my last service! Hahahaha!!). I've also been spending some time on my bird calls - that has been working great! I got some pigeons to hang out with me the other day - and those guys did a real number! Their aim was perfect! Of course, our guy responded, promptly wiping up the mess and giving me the love I need (took several ounces of cleaner and three cloths to take care of it all!). I think I have been able to get my point across. Case in point - Chuck had to drive to work today, and take a meeting in Renton this afternoon - guess who got to drive! It was nice to blast down 405 - no traffic, keeping with the flow, my inline 6 letting fly with that wonderful guttural baritone I love to sing. Just like the old days.

Until...

I had to help him cart home 8 quarts of new transmission fluid. I've got a bad feeling it ain't for me.